The Wizard of Osborne

Theory: Groups of five or more women are dangerous

I recently went out with a group of twelve thirtysomething women for a friend's birthday party.  We had dinner, went out dancing, etc.  Just your basic evening of good, clean fun.  But something caught my attention as we were out and I suppose I've known this all along, but just haven't ever given it any thoughtful consideration.  Women are dangerous in groups.  While alone we might be friendly and polite, in groups we can turn wickedly vicious, mercilessly evil, then shake off any resulting destruction with a fresh coat of lip gloss and well-timed hair flip. 

But at what point does the group turn?  I believe the magic number is five.  At two, you might get some raised-eyebrow whispers, but we'll still be polite.  Same goes for three.  Four doesn't have the makings for evil; groups of four actually seem to be the most easy-going and amicable.  But at five, watch out.  Something tips with the move from quad to pent.  The power shifts.  The sky darkens.  Goodness and light are consumed by the black hole that appears to be just a pack of women innocently enjoying themselves.   

So watch out for the groups of five and more women, guys.  Everyone in that sassy group of party girls may look sweet and smiley, but just under our placid, marble-cool exteriors, something wicked your way comes...

Theory: mountain people vs. water people and suburb people vs. city people

So I have this theory...  There are mountain people and water people.  There are also suburb people and city people.  Never the 'twain shall meet -- in either of those circumstances. 

I am a mountain person.  Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy the water, I enjoy visiting it, but I'd never want to live on or near a body of water.  I much prefer to live in or near the mountains.  When I can see the mountains or spend time in them, I feel complete, as if all is right in the world.  (This explains why I've never felt totally at home in the mountain-free midwest.  The midwest is my home, technically, but I definitely belong in the mountains.)  Now, a friend of mine is very much a water person.  She longs to live by the ocean.  She doesn't care about the mountains, nor do they make her happy.  She won't be happy until she's living by the water...and until that magical moment occurs, she'll constantly remind us of how unhappy she is living by the mountains.

The same dichotomy exists between suburb and city people.  I am a suburb person.  Again, I enjoy cities, I enjoy visiting them, but I'd never want to live in a big city (e.g. New York).  I enjoy having access to cities like that, but I could never live within one's boundaries.  I don't feel like I belong.  I feel like there's a giant arrow following me around that says, "Not a city person."  On the other hand, another of my friends is a city person to the core.  Any other place one could possibly think to put down roots simply pales in comparison to living in a city.  When she's not living in a city, she's a nightmare -- a constant stream of whiny "this place sucks - it's not the city" complaints.  She's only happy when she's living in a city.         

In closing, if you're a water person living in the mountains or a city person living in the 'burbs, please find a way to move to where you're happy.  For every moment you're living out of synch with where you truly belong, you're just bringing the rest of us down.