The Wizard of Osborne

My trusty winter steed

We've had a decent bit of snow in the Denver/Boulder metro area this year.  One night a few weeks ago when the conditions driving home from work were particularly lousy, I had time (crawling along at 5mph, clutch leg developing shin splints) to wax poetic about how lucky I've been with cars when it comes to winter driving. 

My current car, the '06 S4, has yet to be tested by any really nasty weather conditions, though she did ferry me home safely when the roads were coated with ice that night.  Nary a misplaced tire the entire way, while others were slipping sideways, failing to stop, or failing to go.  Her predecessor, though, a '01 S4, was LEGEN..wait for it...DARY.  And so begins our trusty winter steed tale.

In March of '02 I drove out to visit my parents in Kansas City, pissed the entire way there and back because the new Blizzaks the car was wearing got all wobbly and weave-y over 85mph, speed limiting my prairie crossing blast.  On the drive home, around two-thirds the way across Kansas, I noticed that the cars coming towards me were covered in snow.  (I had time to notice this since I was driving so slow.)  Seemed odd, since the roads were completely dry and the fluffy gray clouds above were lazily floating along, minding their own business. Then it started to mist.  Then the temperature dropped below 32 degrees F and the mist started to build up a thick layer of ice on the backs of my mirrors.  Hmmmm...not good.  I'd driven in an ice storm before and promised myself then and there that were I ever to find myself driving in similar circumstances, I'd pull off.  Get a hotel room.  Be safe.  Unfortunately, my "we don't need to see the road to drive" (<-- a phrase actually uttered by my Dad long ago while driving during a wicked winter storm in Indiana) genetics kicked in, reinforced by a strangely strong desire to ...just...make...it...home, so like a big ole' idiot, I continued on.

Shortly thereafter I made a quick gas stop in Goodland, Kansas, and though I was pretty sure I'd heard I-70 was closed on the station's radio, I decided to press on.  And press on I did, cutting the trail at 10mph in a white-out blizzard using the roadside markers as guides in the late, gray afternoon for myself and the five cars behind me until we got forced off the road in Burlington, Colorado.  With the last hotel room taken by the occupants of one of the cars I'd intrepidly lead (BASTARDS!) I ended up sleeping on the floor of a church along with some 100 other weary, stranded travelers.

Hanging out around the altar area, I was lucky enough to befriend a family with a portable DVD player, which proved exceptionally handy for passing the time until I-70 reopened.  (Those poor folks, they'd flown down to Dallas to pick up the college junior-age daughter's new car -- a BMW 3-series convertible -- and got caught in this crap driving it home.  They'd already run the pretty little Bimmer into a light pole in Burlington.  Ouch.)  We watched a couple movies, then settled down for some unsettled sleep under a few donated blankets.  (Thanks to the folks of Burlington for those, by the way.)

The highway reopened around 3am, but our group decided to wait for sunrise to restart our trip West.  I offered to follow them out of town, which was a lucky deal, as one of the BMW's rear tires separated itself from its rim not 15 minutes outside of Burlington.  They left the car by the side of the road and called BMW roadside assistance to come rescue it as I ferried us all back home.  Them to Fort Collins, me to Denver.  The '01 S4 never missed a beat the entire way.  When I look back someday over all the cars I've owned, she'll surely win the award for trustiest winter steed ever.

So what does this mean for you?  What are your "take aways" from this blog post?  Here are a few:

1. A '01 S4 shod with Blizzaks can go anywhere, anytime.
2. Don't live in Burlington, CO.  They get some of the worst weather in Colorado, summer and winter.
3. If you didn't grow up driving in snow during Midwest winters, you don't know JACK about winter driving.
4. If the roads are bad, don't drive past your limits.  Be safe.
5. I love S4s.

Feel free to add others to this list as they come to you.

The XF Cotillion (and associated experiences of an armchair car gal)

It’s a truly rare event for most of us in this world to see a new car introduced to society before it’s available to the masses. Sure, you read about them in car magazines and see spy shots on blogs, but nothing compares to making a hand-on-leather-and-metal, in-person acquaintance. This past week, I got to do just that. Jaguar held a preview party for its brand spanking new XF in the lobby of the peculiarly angular Hamilton building at the Denver Art Museum…and I had a ticket.

Since I’ve never been to the Hamilton building, nor have I ever been to the 4-wheeled version of a cotillion, I had no idea what to expect. So, with open eyes, a curious mind, and wearing a helmet to protect my head from the building’s pointy corners (no, not really…or did I?), I pushed my way through the Hamilton's revolving front door into automotive preview unknown. Once inside, I took a breath and paused to take it all in. To my right, a white (yes, white) Jag XF surrounded by an odd mix of 40+ men and a smattering of, um, arm-candyish women. (None of whom had abided by the “urban-chic” dress code mentioned on the event ticket, by the way. Everyone was more “suburban tacky” tempered by a skosh of “somewhat moneyed”, than urban chic.) To my left, a DJ was rockin’ some very, very loud rap music, which complemented the car and attendees perfectly, as you can certainly imagine. Straight ahead of me was the bar. I straightened the French cuffs on my urban chic shirt, tucked my urban chic handbag firmly under my arm, and made a bee-line for THE BAR.

With my urban chic shoes only a couple strides away from a glass of chardonnay, my progress was arrested by a 5’ 5”, 50+, teddy bear of a lady killer. He was a long time, loyal Jag owner, as were most of the people at the event, and was more interested in how I could’ve possibly arrived unattended than discussing the fine details of the XF. (Note that this would be a common theme for the rest of the evening.) Regardless, he broke the ice for my preview experience and sweetly ushered me into the unfamiliar (and ever so strangely uncomfortable) realm of Jag owners…who attend these sorts of things for the people, even more so than the car, according to my snuggly, diminutive, charming friend.

Before we proceed further with this story, I’d like to take some time out for a service announcement to Jaguar: Please identify your employees in some way at these events, such as to make it obvious to whom I should direct my questions when I’d like to learn more about the car at hand. It took me an unnecessarily long time to figure that out and would’ve allowed me to avoid chatting up those swingers that nice couple. Now back to your regularly scheduled blog post.

Once I found myself a Jag rep, convinced him that I was actually interested in the car and was not just milling around waiting for my husband/boyfriend/sugar daddy to order one for me, I did get some decent info. (I’ll write a separate post for all of that. And did I mention that the car was white?) After my cup had runneth over with XF factoids and I had grown weary of telling people that yes, I was there by myself, no, I did not currently drive a Jag, and yes, I actually was there because I was interested in the car, I quietly slipped away from the XF and out of the pointy Hamilton building back into the Denver night. Away from the throbbing music, away from the Jag lovers (who were mourning the lack of a leaping chrome cat on the hood of the XF), and away from my first automotive preview party. What a memorable ride.

I think both the XF and I made our society debuts that night. For the XF, it was a chance for Denver-area Jag aficionados to lay their eyes and hands on one of three revolutionary (for Jag) cars currently touring the country. For me, it was a chance for an armchair car gal to test her automotive mettle and see if she could swim upstream through a river of testosterone to extract the desired details about this (white, did I tell you it was white?) XF. And she did.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you look to your right, you’ll not only see a new Jaguar XF, but an equally unique Greater North American High Desert Car Gal. She’s a rare species, though fortunately for her kind, quite hearty.  We’re not sure how many of her particular type exist, but consider yourselves lucky to have seen her in exceptional urban chic plumage (albeit in this man-made, unusually loud, and sharp-edged habitat). In the wild, you’d be lucky to even catch a glimpse, though a sighting is typically marked by rapidly departing taillights.

My Sweet #3

This past weekend I attended my second driving school with the BMW club in Pueblo, CO.  Words just cannot describe how much fun those events are.  I love hanging out with the guys and talkin' smack, I love seeing all of the fantastically beautiful and cool cars people bring, and I love flinging the big red bomb around the track.  ...and because of that, and because of how well she takes care of me when I screw up, I dedicate this post to her, my sweet #3.

An Ode to My Audi S4: How do I love thee, my sweet #3?

For barreling down the straightaway and braking hard and straight.

For accepting lousy downshifts, even when done too late.

For keeping all four on the track, once all the traction's gone.

In the game of brake-lift-turn-pause-gas, you're sadly just a pawn.

But I know you're having fun out there, showing the boys what you can do.

Passing in a blur of red, bidding slower cars adieu.

Running errands or on the track, being all that you can be.

Who could ask for a better car than my very sweet number 3.

      

Sniff...

THE AWARD

I've spent a lot of time lately reflecting upon the "Most Improved Driver" award recently bestowed upon me at BMW's driving school in Pueblo, CO.   Having received it continues to make me completely giddy, much to my family's, friends', and colleagues' dismay, but I don't care.  How many times in your adult life do you get awards?  Awards you can hold and sit on your desk?  Awards that look so pointy-sharp that you worry about accidentally cutting yourself on them?  Not too many, I'd say.  So when you do win an award, the event should be celebrated appropriately.

After considerable thought, I have decided the appropriate way to celebrate this particular event is with haiku...

Prismatic Lucite
Monument to my talent
Light the perfect line

And oh yeah, don't get me wrong, I'm probably going to suck so badly at the next school that the instructors and corner workers are going to storm up to Louisville, bust into Lijit's offices, and rip this glorious plasticine statue away from me.  But at least for the time period between now and October, I'm going to be the "Most Improved Driver", and I'm going to make sure everyone knows it!!!

Cogito Ergo Zoom

Cogito Ergo Zoom -- "I think, therefore I go fast."  Automobile magazine used to use that tag line; I thought it a very appropriate title for this post.  I would generally consider myself a sentient being (though admittedly more so on some days than others).  As a sentient being, who also happens to drive a car capable doing fantastically wonderful things at high speeds, I frequently choose to drive fast.  Nothing too crazy, mind you, but being able to zip from point A to point B is far more entertaining than scooting, sauntering, moseying, or doing something otherwise slower than zipping between those two points.  But even though I've always considered myself a good driver, I've never really felt that I handled my car well at high speeds (i.e. with the appropriate control and finesse).  Then along came my savior, BMW's driving school in Pueblo, Colorado...

Fortunately, the BMW driving school in Pueblo is open to all makes and models, so I registered on the first day, then waited the agonizing three months until June 16th finally arrived. ...and oh, was June 16th in car # 16 a good day.  I can honestly say that I've never had more fun in my life.

            

In this driving school you spend the day alternating between classroom sessions, where they teach you cornering concepts and such, and track sessions, where you put everything you've learned into practice.  For me, the first track session was awful.  I didn't understand what to do and only made it around the course by the grace of God.  The second session was a little better, because what I'd learned in class and what I was feeling on the track finally started to click.  But the third session...ahhh, that third session...was really where it all came together.  I swapped to a new instructor (an instructor was in the car with you at all times on the track), whose teaching style better suited my learning style, and everything else from there on out is history.  Let's just say you're reading the blog of the person who won the "Most Improved Driver" award that day.  Oh yeah, baby, that was me.  I rocked it.

And as if that wasn't cool enough, I had the good fortune to spend June 16th with an absolutely awesome group of people, most of whom I'd never met before.  Many are driving school veterans and were more than willing to give thoughtful and valuable advice such as, "Keep the gas pedal ON THE FLOOR down the straightaway.  If it's not on the floor, PUSH IT TO THE FLOOR."  How can you go wrong with advice like that?

  

I think, therefore I go fast.  I think I would like to go to Pueblo again and go fast with all of my wonderful new friends.  See you guys in October.

(Photos courtesy Todd Vernon, Tom Higley, and Frank Amoroso.)

My car knows it's raining

I continue to be amazed by my 2006 Audi S4.  Tonight I realized that it's smarter than me, which is sad, though not surprising.

Since I bought this car used and somewhat on a whim, I hadn't done my typical gnat's-ass detailed research about all of its features, specs, etc.  So while I still knew far more than the salesman did about it, I didn't know the (typically embarrassing for my spouse) level of information I usually would pre-purchase.  As a result, some of the car's features have come as a bit of a -- fortunately pleasant -- surprise.

Take this evening, for example.  I was on my way home and it started to rain.  Magically, as if they knew it was raining, my windshield wipers began to sweep.  I thought, "Did I turn those on?" I was pretty sure I hadn't.  Once I reached my destination, determined to figure out whether or not I'd just lost my mind, I pulled out the manual and did a little reading.  Sure enough, if you leave the wipers in intermittent mode and they sense that it's raining, they'll run on their own, at a speed appropriate to the car's speed.  How fantastic is that???  Surely psychic wipers should be considered one of the great wonders of the world, right behind the Grand Canyon and four-cheese ravioli from the old Figlio's restaurant in Kansas City.

But it gets better!  (...for the car, at least.  Not so much for me.)  There's a fancy little flipper knob embedded within the wiper control stalk that, I thought, controlled the speed of the intermittent wiping feature. It always perplexed me, to the point where I was pretty sure a German hadn't designed it, that the diagram next to the knob didn't seem to correspond even remotely to the resulting speed of the wipers.  I'd convinced myself that it was broken.  Thanks to my little stroll through the manual, I learned that the flipper knob actually regulates the sensitivity of the rain sensor, not the speed of the intermittent wiping. Of course it does!  DUH!  It all makes sense now...though that does not make any of these revelations any less embarrassing.

I really do love the features on this car, but I really hate how much smarter it is than me.  Friggin' bright red smarty bitch...

Audi S4s are like crack...

I just bought a 2006 Audi S4.  It's beautiful.  I've been driving it all over town.  I can't stop.  It's just so much fun to be in.  Everything about it is wonderful.  All of the controls are in the right spot and have the right feel -- it fits me perfectly.  I'm pretty sure angels sing each time I shift gears.  It's just a glorious, glorious car.

So, sounds good and sounds addictive, right?  That's what makes Audi S4s like crack.  Once you've driven one, you'll never want to drive anything else.  I had a silver 2001 S4 prior to this car.  Back when I was shopping for that car I also drove the Acura TL TypeS and Volvo S60 T5.  Both were perfectly good cars -- better values for the money even -- but neither could hold a candle to the S4.   As I remarked to my husband while test driving the S4, "It's just so fuckin' fun to drive!"   Who doesn't want a car that elicits that sort of exclamation? 

And that's the same feeling I got while test driving my new S4.  (Though I didn't make that same comment to the sales person who was riding with me at the time.  He was a nice man.  I didn't want to offend him with my foul language.)  Before I test drove this car I had almost convinced myself that I'd buy a different make...you know, try something different.  But after one drive, I was back on the crack.  I'm not sure I can capture in words why S4s are so good and so addictive, but I'll try.  They're fast and they're tight.  When you're in one, you feel like you belong together; they're your friend and they'll never let you down.  They are, without a doubt, ausgezeichnet.

But before I end this post full of drippy admiration for Audi S4s, I'd just like to comment on why this new one is such an improvement, even over my old S4.  First, they lightened the steering.  It may now be a bit over-assisted, but it's a nice change from the '01's rather heavy feel.  Second, the Recaro seats are AWESOME.  They've got fantastic thigh support and fit me and the car like a glove.  Third, the shifter could not be in a more perfect spot.  My hand naturally falls right on top of it.  Fourth, I could listen to the engine and exhaust notes all day.  This car sounds like the hot rod I never got to have as a kid.  The throaty growl makes me giddy.  (...and we know how important cars that go "vroom" are to me...)  Fifth, the car is just TIGHT.  No roll, no shake, no nuthin'.  Lastly, it's got AWD, a back seat, and a trunk -- so it's ALL THAT and ever so slightly practical too.

               

Why I will never drive a Toyota Prius

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for saving the environment, but I will never, ever drive a Toyota Prius.  No, it's not because its shape is completely devoid of passion or because its tires are the size of salad plates.  It's because it makes no sound.  No vroom.  No nothing.  It could actually sneak up on you and take you by surprise.  That's pathetic.

A car's engine and exhaust notes are a reflection of its soul.   They evoke images of its personality.  What would a '68 Camaro be without its imposing, thundering rumble and gear drive whine?  What would an Indy car be without its raucous, lightening scream?  Well, they'd be a Prius...a soul-less, personality-free metal shell rolling along on rubber hoops.  Who the hell wants to drive that?

A message to suburban Denver/Boulder drivers...

Dear drivers in the suburban Denver/Boulder metro area,

Before you drive to work in the morning, please take the following steps:

1. After buckling up, but before backing out of your garage onto the street, please ensure your car is equipped with a working speedometer.
2. Once on the street, and of course other than times you are accelerating or decelerating for obvious, traffic-required reasons, please ensure the black numbers on the big, white speed limit signs at the side of the road match the number indicated at the business end of the pointy stick that spins around on the face of your speedometer.  (If you happen to have a digital speedometer in your vehicle, this matching process should be even easier.)
3. If the numbers do not match, please either apply pressure to the brake (or more likely) the accelerator, both of which can be found within the driver's footwell.  The accelerator is the vertically-arranged, long, narrow, rightmost item that causes your car to make "vroom" sounds when you depress it.
4. If, even after employing the above tactics, the numbers still do not match, you may have one of the following issues, which should be remedied as soon as humanly possible:  a. the power to weight ratio for your vehicle may be severely out of whack and you should either install a larger engine or stop hauling a boat behind your Yugo, b. you may have forgotten to dislodge your head from your ass before you backed out of your garage, in which case you should do so immediately, or c. you should just stay home and stop driving altogether.

Thank you for your time.

Regards,
The Wizard of Osborne

P.S.  A special shout-out goes to the twenty-something brunette who almost ran me into a median this morning just down the street from my office.  Though she clearly grasped the number-matching step outlined above, all the brain power she was pouring into that apparently left nothing over for the proper use of side mirrors and steering wheel.  I'll just have to cover those in a separate post and hope she reads it.

There are cars I actually DO like...

It occurred to me today that I've written posts about cars whose designs I don't like, but have never written about cars whose designs I actually DO like.  So, in the spirit of turning over a new leaf of automotive appearance appreciation, I offer this post.  (...and who knows, maybe I'll feel so good after having written this, I'll write more just like it.)

I think the most interesting (new) auto design out there at the moment belongs to the Mazda CX-7 mini sport-ute.  It's got sporty character -- from its steeply raked windshield to its tidy hind end -- and executes it all in a trim, pleasingly ground-clearing package.  The front fascia is clean, yet aggressive, the wheel arches have just enough flare to give it nice character and a strong stance (without being unnecessarily beefy), and the front 3/4 view can't be beat.  Even better, they offer it in one of the most beautiful colors available on the market, "Black Cherry Mica" -- and all starting at a base price of $24K.  Awesome.

Check it out.